Planning, having a vision, setting goals, shaping habits, showing grit… I suppose most Leaders and Entrepreneurs know and strive for these principles in their lives.
But sometimes, we struggle with certain strategies and behaviour. So the question is: Why? Do we fail out of lacking motivation, wrong implementation, procrastination or other self-limitations?
Well, this is the point where more is necessary than simply scratching the surface.
In order to learn a lesson and leave the trials-and-error-zone, we need to become aware of the limiting cognitions and emotions that hinder us from living up to our potential.
In order to learn a lesson and leave the trials-and-error-zone, we need to get aware of the limiting cognitions and emotions that hinder us from living up to our potential. Share on XHere I want to show you an example that perfectly demonstrates how certain emotionally charged, unconscious belief systems can get in the way of growth.
The Starting Point: What is the actual underlying problem?
John was successfully managing an online business. He was always working on his ideas and could barely rest or relax, not even in the evening hours.
One day he came to me with the following problem: “I don’t work enough on my business because I get too distracted by my wife.”
He tried to keep calm, but it was apparent that the issue weighed on him. He was frustrated.
I asked a few more questions about the circumstances: It turned out he was, from an objective perspective, working quite a lot on his business. Furthermore, his wife had not even distracted him directly at any time. Instead, he was offering her help and company himself.
However, the problem John addressed somehow looked like this:
This feeling of not giving enough was loaded with negative emotions to such an extent, that John even perceived his overall working morale as disorganised and unproductive. He always felt like he was underperforming.
I sketched the above figure on the board and asked him what he thought the solution was. Of course, he immediately pointed out the distraction as the main problem. Therefore, he suggested solutions like working behind closed doors, moving to a hotel for some days etc.
I could see on his face that he knew deep inside that these solutions were not the key. They are only scratching the surface, which made him even more frustrated.
I asked him to close his eyes and imagine the last time he felt distracted from work by his wife. He explained that he was on his way home a few days ago and stopped at a shop to buy her some bananas, which she always eats for breakfast. When he arrived home, he felt guilty for wasting valuable working time on those bananas (and his wife). He added that his guilt also occurs as soon as he spends some me-time.
Guilt – this was the negative emotion that would not let him rest.
We just clarified the initial problem by naming the underlying emotion. The problem was different from what John did or how he did it. It was how he perceived his actions and how he felt about himself.
Therefore, the real Problem-Solution-Goal Triad looked like this:
One might ask whether the above belief system serves John more as he aims to grow his business continuously… (?) Unfortunately, this is not the case, as he apparently lacks self-trust and questions his ability to achieve his goals. This self-doubt reinforces his belief of not being and doing enough.
Examining and transforming the negative emotion
Telling John not to feel bad about spending some me time would have been useless. So instead, we examined the negative emotion by capturing his mental representations and belief systems related to “work” and “success”. This way, we could find the source of his guilt – where it comes from.
As the session took us two hours, I will only present the final outcome 🙂
So it turned out that Johns’ negative emotion was based on the following belief:
“If I do not invest all my time and energy into working, I will not build the future I dream of. Instead, I will be like my father: unsuccessful and desperate. He always focused on unnecessary things. As a child, I begged him to do something so our family could live better.”
Even though he has long since surpassed his father and built a proud fortune, he wanted more and felt terrible whenever he came to rest. His negative emotion was related to his concept of (un)success and got triggered as soon as he unconsciously feared his father’s fate and despised himself for being like him. He associated having me-time with his father being unable and weak. His inner child, desperately wishing for a better life, couldn’t do anything but hope that daddy would do something. As an adult, he interprets his inner child’s helplessness as a weakness and attributes it to distraction as an external factor.
John’s mental representation and emotional attitude towards success were shaped by his childhood experiences and his father as a role model.
He believes that hard work is an inevitable part of life, but he also doubts his self-efficacy in being successful. As he wanted to help his family as a child but had no impact on it, he carries this feeling of being unable to control his own success with him as an adult.
As this mental representation gets activated, the underlying childhood experiences trigger guilt as a negative emotion. This guilt is essentially the fear of failing, the fear of destruction.
Knowing that he became aware of his limiting beliefs and the underlying experiences, we were able to reframe these concepts and transform negative emotions.
Overall effects of reframing and healing the inner child
John did not learn any new tool or productivity hack that made him work even more. He didn’t join any 4am club or cut any me time or quality time with his wife.
But the way he thinks about work-life balance and success today is totally different; thanks to this, his self-image and life got way more positive and optimistic. And as science shows, an optimistic mindset leads to better decision-making and creativity.
He can now enjoy a day off without feeling guilty; therefore, he shows better recovery. In addition, he got more spontaneous and attentive towards himself, so he is able to work creatively and productively.
His subconscious mind is free from managing negative feelings related to work and me-time; therefore, he can focus much more attention on his tasks. He is even able to quickly get into a flow state, where he perceives his work as extraordinarily creative and productive. In the past, his pressurised perception of work led to an overworked feeling, so working felt hard and exhausting. Now he enjoys it and feels fulfilled.
These experiences strengthen his self-efficacy and self-esteem. Moreover, he enjoys having control over his achievements, which makes him much more motivated and energised.
Instead of an unavoidable must, he perceives work as a source of self-fulfilment.
We cannot always measure self-growth in objectively measurable outcomes because it has a much more complex influence on our life than this.
Being happy and optimistic has a positive impact on our mood and self-concept. A better mood leads to higher creativity and productivity. And last but not least, it is essential to our mental and physical well-being.
As we dig deeper, self-development leads to exponential self-growth. Step by step, we learn to take control of our subconscious mental representations and emotions. Now we set the direction of our life, not our internal or external hidden factors.
