We have all experienced situations in which we could not remain calm. A word, comment or event hits us emotionally, so staying objective and focusing seems impossible.
Sometimes things or others can trigger anger, frustration, fear or sadness in us, even if no one intended to do so.
Such situations are widespread in family businesses, especially at the beginning of a working relationship. However, conflicts between family members, who act as colleagues simultaneously, have a unique dynamic, as the parties often unconsciously tend to bring their family conflicts into the company.
Of course, there are also cases outside of family businesses. For example, when we have to deal with a narcissistic boss, controlling superiors, jealousy, sexism or racist remarks in the workplace.
In this article, I want to show you the framework that I use to:
- stay calm in any situation without feeling attacked personally,
- not to find the situation emotionally stressful,
- be able to lead even conflictual negotiations calmly and consciously,
- remain true to me and my values.
Keeping calm is not just a matter of determination
Being emotionally triggered can be exhausting and annoying at once. After an experience like this, wildly determined, we resolve to act differently next time, yet most advice in this regard goes something like this:
- Don’t take it personally.
- Stay objective.
- Take a deep breath.
- Keep cool.
- Don’t mix business and private.
- Etc.
Of course, this is easier said than done.
When we are emotionally triggered, the dynamics of our subconscious take over. Now our emotions drive behaviour, not our conscious mind.
But how can we keep a cool head even in extremely unpleasant situations? For example, when we feel unjustly criticized, have to swallow inappropriate jokes or when our superiors take out their frustrations on us?
First, it is essential to understand why certain situations affect us emotionally.
When do we feel emotionally triggered by anything?
Things affect us emotionally when a part of us feels addressed somehow. When it reflects a part of ourselves, a (mostly) negative experience, belief or trauma.
Most humans are inherently open to diversity. Therefore, we are perfectly capable of accepting and respecting different points of view. It only requires the realization that everyone has their truth: we all see the world from a unique perspective.
Whereby most offensive behaviours are unconscious defence or compensation mechanisms. These mechanisms are components of a worldview partly determined by feelings of lack and trauma.
We can emotionally separate ourselves from our environment as soon as we recognize these connections and their origin. Mean comments and attacks are much more likely to leave us cold, while we can 100% preserve our integrity in any dialogue.
In other words, we can stand our ground firmly, calmly and consciously without being influenced by others.
This level of awareness requires the observation of the following:
- our emotions,
- our worldview,
- our beliefs and behaviour patterns.
This way, we learn to uncover and transform our limiting beliefs and traumas.
My framework: mastering every situation through self-knowledge
I, too, have had business situations in which some statements prevented me from remaining completely calm. Although my inner turmoil was not outwardly visible, deep inside me, I was burning.
Shortly after such incidents, I took time for self-reflection in a quiet place and went back over what had happened step by step, answering the following questions:
1.What was the trigger of my negative emotion? The statement, act, or criticism that served as the trigger?
Example: When I tried to justify a decision to my supervisor, he dismissed me with the comment that I shouldn’t get hysterical.
2. How did this make me feel? What did it trigger in me? (e.g., “I felt like nothing I was doing was good enough.”)
Example: I literally felt overwhelmed, like paralyzed. For a moment, I really thought I was hysterical and uncomfortable. Was my boss right?
3. What exactly was the negative emotion inside me? Expressed in one word, e.g., disappointment, sadness, anger, resentment.
Example: I was furious.
4. Where do I know this negative emotion from? When or/and where have I experienced it before? Do I know it from my childhood? Or is it related to a bad experience?
Example: My boss is not the first to make me believe that I am hysterical, weak or complicated as a woman. My family has always been male-dominated, and women’s needs weren’t considered that much.
5. What belief system, trauma or experience belongs to the emotion?
Example: Statements like, “Who understands women?”, “Women are emotionally weak” were common in the family. I grew up believing that women are worth less than men.
6. After recognizing the root of my emotion, I am ready to transform it.
Example: This belief does not belong to me; it belongs to my father and grandfather. It helped them to deal with women. This was the easiest way for them to handle their feelings and fears. However, they blamed mom and grandma instead of accepting their own uncertainty. I know they are wrong, so I want to let go of this belief. I am ready to heal that part of myself and to create my own reality: “I am strong, independent and enough to make my dreams come true.”
After that, you’ll be ready to resolve and clarify inner conflicts in a renewed conversation. In those conversations, I like to apply the five steps of effective nonviolent communication.
Basic ideas that help with implementation
As I mentioned earlier, each person lives in their own reality.
Our view of things is as different as our fingerprints. The more we are aware of this, the easier it will be for us to accept the opinions of others. Share on XHere are some basic ideas as guidance:
We all live in our own reality and have our own view of things
Character, parenting, and experiences shape our worldview – how we perceive ourselves, our environment and fellow human beings. It all starts in childhood and stays permanently in motion over time.
No matter what we believe in: our worldview is 100% logical in its own way. Share on XAs soon as we accept the basic idea that all people are different but logical and understandable, we free ourselves from the pressure of wanting to change or convince others. As a result, we meet diversity and learning potentials with an open heart.
Self-awareness is the first step to understanding others
The more we learn to understand what drives our actions and decisions, the better our understanding of others becomes. We experience the world’s diversity and realize that polarity doesn’t exist. Over time, we become more skilled at interacting with others who may have very different opinions and quickly see through the beliefs behind different behaviours. This skill helps us to confidently engage in constructive dialogues without getting into power struggles.
Be true to yourself and accept others as they are
Through self-awareness and understanding the behaviour of others, we enhance our emotional intelligence and ability to handle confrontational situations with empathy.
By respecting the integrity of others and keeping an open mind, we can get the most out of a given situation. However, if we focus on convincing the other person of our own point of view, we may find ourselves in an ongoing discourse.
